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Warpzine
#009
by
warpus (1st
February, 1999)
(
waterloo, ontario, canada ) ( september 45th, 1998 ) ( warpzine#009
)
[
introduction ] -------------------------------------------------------
WELL,
this is what you've all been waiting for. it's the SPECIAL
anniversary issue of warpzine - warpzine number nine. why
is it so
special? well.. i consider the number nine to be a much
more IMPORTANT
number than the number ten. sure, we have ten fingers, we
have ten toes,
there are ten dollars in a ten dollar bill, and we use a
number system with
ten digits, but... have you ever thought about how special
the number 9
really is? 9 upside down is 6. six is NOT a prime number.
if that doesn't
convince you, consider this: 9 is BIGGER than 4. is that
REALLY a
concidence?
i think
not.
and
since this is the "introduction", i'd like to
introduce myself.
i am warpus, i was born in wroclaw, poland, i like to eat
horror movies
(in the park), and i really hate mexico. why? because it's
a third world
country.
oh yeah, i almost forgot. i was GOING TO dedicate this issue
of
warpzine to doug aka make, but... i don't really like him
that much
anymore. i used to be all crazy about him, but you now how
it is. he's
just not as cool as he used to be. However, i DID tell him
that i'm going to
dedicate this warpzine to him, so i'm going to make a compromise.
i'm dedicating this issue of warpzine, the very special
issue number nine
to the lower half of make's body. this includes anything
below the belt.
so, there you go make, i hope the lower part of your body
is proud :)
anyhow,
enjoy this SPECIAL anniversary issue of warpzine, and
don't forget to rewind when you're done.
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[
the bus trip ] ---------------------------------------------------------
every
time i'm on the bus something weird happens. you're all
probably wondering why i would ever take the bus, but well,
i have a job.
i must take the bus to work, and then home. otherwise i'd
have to walk, or
take the cab. it's way too far to walk, and cabs are expensive.
i COULD
hitchhike to work, but that'd be silly. i mean, come on.
yesterday,
when i was on my way home (from work), thinking about
why i've never seen any fire hydrant depot stores ANYWHERE,
i noticed that
somebody was boarding the bus. this happens a lot, i know,
but for some
reason i was drawn towards this person the minute the bus
stopped. perhaps
i should rephrase that. i was drawn towards this person
instantly. i do
not want you to think that 20, 30, or even 50 seconds passed
before this
happened. oh no. it happened right away.
the
person boarding the bus was doing two amazingly crazy things
at the same time. he was wearing a 'queen' shirt, and drinking
a minute
maid drink. how often do you see a guy wearing a 'queen'
shirt just
drinking SOMETHING? not too often. boy, i thought, will
i ever have
stories to tell when i get home!
but
nothing happened. the "minute maid" guy sat down,
proceeded
to drink his juice (which is perfectly normal), and... just
sat there.
i was dissapointed. i was expecting him to say something
that would
change my life forever, maybe something like: "margarine
is better than
butter", or "never sit down on a stove",
or even explain why butterflies
have powdery wings, which is a puzzle i'm still trying to
solve.
i know
that most of you are probably thinking that i made this
story up. i mean, a guy wearing a queen shirt, drinking
a minute maid
drink, on the *BUS*? i don't know what the chances of something
like
that happening are, and i don't really want to figure it
out, but...
i bet i was incredibly lucky to witness this event in only
the 20th
year of my life. in any case, remember this: the guy who
wears
a queen shirt and drinks a minute maid juice IS out there
somewhere,
doing whatever it is that people who wear queen shirts and
drink
minute maid juices do (i bet he likes squash). if you ever
see him,
give him my number, because... i want to give him a back
massage.
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[ break number one ] ---------------------------------------------------
since warpzine is being read by more and more americans,
i've decided
to appeal to that contingent of the readers by introducing
a break, and a
short commentary after every article. you don't have to
read this part
of warpzine, you can skip it. think of it as a commercial
break on tv. you
can go to the kitchen, grab a snack, a beer or two, or even
go to the bathroom
and take a really big shit. when you come back, just start
reading the next
article, or, if you weren't gone for too long, read the
second half of the
intermisson commentary. and here it is, the first commentary:
well,
the first article went over well, i've really enjoyed writing
it and reading it over. i had trouble finishing it off,
and it really isn't
what you would call a classic, but, it is an article nevertheless,
and hey,
i *am* sober. plus, it is a true story, and that's very
important nowadays.
i heard that true stories turn on the ladies. <wink>
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[ us open: too hot for tv ] -----------------------------------------------
many
things happened at the us open tennis tournament, some of
which
were censored out. now you can see the things that the censors
DIDN'T want
you to see. have you ever wanted to see patrick rafter making
out with one
of the ballboys? if you order NOW you will see that, and
much much more,
including: partrick rafter with TWO ballboys, martina hingis
having her first
period in the middle of the court, patrick rafter with THREE
ballboys, pete
sampra's vagina, and monica seles masturbating with a tennis
racket.
don't
delay, order today! if you're one of the first 500 callers,
you
will also receive a video tape full of shots of patrick
rafter making out with
ballboys.
but
don't take our word for it! let's hear what some of our
satisfied
customers had to say about 'us open: too hot for tv'.
"wow,
i had no idea that pete sampras had a vagina! i was pretty
sure
that he had a penis. us open: too hot for tv changed my
life!".
"i've
been a fan of tennis for 20 years now, and i've never seen
anything like this before! it's definiately something to
watch with the whole
family. thank you warpus!"
"incredible!"
"i
couldn't stop laughing after i saw steffi graf throw her
racket at
that little boy's head".
call
now, you'll thank us later! if you order in the next half
an hour
you will also receive a book by martina hingis entitled:
"how to deal with your
first period", and a box of tampons. operators are
standing by.
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[ break number two ] ----------------------------------------------------
you
should know that i'm writing all of this listening to some
really
good ska. i've never written a warpzine while listening
to any kind of music.
i used to not be able to concentrate fully on the task at
hand because when i
listen to music, i usually try to get into it. i have no
problems with this
anymore. i can conciously listen to the lyrics, and write
at the same time.
wait
a second, that wasn't funny. sorry about that!
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[
shaving = illegal? ] ------------------------------------------------------
imagine
an alternate world in which shaving was illegal. what would
it be like? how would it be different from the world we
live in?
if
you are curious about what an alternate world in which shaving
was
illegal would be like, read on.
so,
you've decided to find out more about what an alternate
world in
which shaving was illegal would be like. good for you. finding
out about
what an alternate world in which shaving was illegal would
be like is one of
the fastest growing past times in the world today! in fact,
books which
speculate about what an alternate world in which shaving
was illegal would be
like have sold millions of copies all around the world,
and have been
translated into millions of languages. new languages have
been invented
just so that books which speculate about what an alternate
world in which
shaving was illegal would be like could be translated into
them. scientists
have proved that books speculating what it would be like
to live in a world
in which shaving was legal have been written in alternate
worlds in which
shaving IS illegal. these books have also sold millions
of copies.
let's
get to the point here. what WOULD it be like in a world
in
which shaving was illegal? to answer that question for us
tonight, we have
with us one of russia's greatest philosophers, dr. ron sonovavitch.
<applause>
warpus:
"welcome to the show, dr. sonovavitch".
ron: "it's great to be here".
warpus: "i'm sure it is. now, let me ask you this:
what would it be like
in a world in which shaving was illegal?"
ron: "that is a very interesting question, and it has
a very interesting
answer. we've been working on this problem for many years,
and we
have discovered that there would be several differences
between such
a world and our own. first of all, most men, and some women
would have
beards. also, companies such as 'gillette' would not exist.
and
finally, we believe that women would have hairy legs, but
we're still
not too sure about that".
warpus: "interesting".
ron: "indeed it is".
warpus: "well, thank you for coming on the show doctor.
good luck with
whatever it is that you do".
that
was dr. sonofavitch, speaking to us from the university
of
moscow, department of applied shaving, russia.
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[ break number three ] ------------------------------------------------
ok, i'm tired of these breaks already. fuck the americans.
(and the mexicans)
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[ contest? ] ----------------------------------------------------------------
remember that contest in which you had to guess whether
things about
me were true or false? well, i've FINALLY picked the winners.
before i
announce them, i'd like to thank EVERYONE who participated.
uhh,
thanks.
after
looking over the submissions, and adding up the points,
i
realized that there were two winners. why? because they
had the same
number of points. so... yeah. that's how THAT happened.
and
here is the list (in random order) of people who won:
snug
and mafesto. congratulations!
you've
both won a year's supply of vowels. every year you will
get a letter in the mail.
err.
ok, so i was just kidding. i'm not sure what you've won
yet. i
guess you can pick something. you come up with something
reasonable, and i'll
try to make it happen.
sorry
about all these paragraphs.
oh
yeah, i almost forgot, this issue's contest. what do these
numbers have in common: 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 12, 14, 18, 21? hint:
there are
two hints in this paragraph. go nuts.
bonus:
what are the two hints?
extra
hint just in case you are stuck: there is another hint in
the header. the 8th line.
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[ warpzine NEWS ] ----------------------------------------------------------
hi, and welcome to the 9 o'clock warpzine news, brought
to you by the theory of
relativity. The theory of relativity - moving at the speed
of light.
MAN MAKES LOVE TO A WOMAN
A man
in Austin, Texas made love to a female of the human species.
"I don't
know how it happened", says the 24 year old student.
"We started fooling
around, and it just sort of... happened". Scientists
say that making love to a
woman, or intercourse, as it is called in scientific circles,
involves inserting
your penis into the woman's vagina. The student, who asked
to remain anonymous,
would not comment on the details of 'insertion', but he
did say that it felt
good.
DENTISTS
SIGHTED IN RAINFOREST
A primitive
tribe of approximately 428 dentists has been discovered
in the
Brazilian rainforest. "This is the largest group of
dentists ever seen in one
spot. We did not know that so many dentists could be together
in one spot.",
says dentistry researcher Mary Kates. The tribe was discovered
by Mrs.Kates,
who got lost in the rainforest looking for dentists. They
took her in, and
cleaned her teeth, for free. Some of the dentists are being
moved to Los
Angeles national zoo due to the lack of teeth in the Brazilian
rainforest.
Dentists need teeth to survive. Without them, they would
die.
DOG
TAKES SHIT
A dog
in Slovakia has apparently taken a big dump. Our reporters
tell us that
the owner of the dog cleaned up the mess afterwards, using
a plastic glove. "It
was warm", he said.
Well, that's it.
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[
quotes ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------
the format of this section is as follows:
First,
a description of the comment will appear. It will take up
the whole
line, and maybe more. It will be enclosed in brackets (
( ( ) and ( ) ) ).
The actual lines containing the conversation will be preceeded
by the name of
the person doing the talking (typing). Note that if the
text (including the
name of the typer) is longer than the width of the screen,
then the rest of the
conversation (NOT including the name of the typer) will
be written in a
paragraph, with a left indentation of len(name_of_typer)
+ 3. This paragraph's
top left corner will be (len(name_of_typer)+ 4 ,0), if (0,0)
is the top left
corner, which is weird, but what the fuck. If there is a
no comment for a
specific quote, then a () will appear in front of it (the
quote). Every quote
(when i say quote, i mean the actual quote with the comment
(might be empty)
appended to the top it) has a space appended to its end.
The entire article has
one space appended to itself as well, at the bottom, and
two at the top. This
paragraph has one space appended in front of it.
()
<brandee> umm yeah....nudity rocks!
<warpus> brandee: i like you already.
<brandee> hahaha
<warpus> :)
(similar
to: reading a book with a toaster)
<coops> no, i mean the ansi u sent!!! am i looking
at it wrong? notepad?
(me
and samurai were talking about the american military, and
i kept making fun
of it as much as possible, because i'm canadian.)
<samurai_> each branch of the military has a specific
mission.
<warpus> to kill people :)
()
<acolyte_> warpus - she looks too good to have a penis
<warpus> acolyte_: so do i
(don't
blame me for all these penis quotes. That penis article
should have been
enough. Whooops, foreshadowing.)
<DpeBaron> its like fucked up
<DpeBaron> it wont stay in the middle
<DpeBaron> what is wrong?
<burps> db: i got the same problem with my penis
(weird
things happen on a boring night)
<warpus> hey, this guy sent me a scanned pic of his
foot.
<ttb> really?
<warpus> yeah.
<ttb> is it clean?
<warpus> want it?
<ttb> yes
<warpus> i forget if it's clean.
<warpus> but he's from australia.
<ttb> doodleboy sent me a pic?
<warpus> that's his foot.
<ttb> nice..
<ttb> thats clean
<warpus> hey, we're releasing his foot in the function
pack.
<warpus> and we're writing an infofile for it.
<ttb> excellent
<ttb> he deserves that kind of recognition
<ttb> i really like that foot
<warpus> me too.
<warpus> i saw it first!
<ttb> i will give you that
<ttb> but i think i enjoyed it more
<warpus> i don't think i want to get into that aspect
of the experience.
(i have
no idea where this came from, but it was one of the quotes
i kept from a
long time ago, so... i GUESS i made her say that, whoever
she is... somehow :)
<Krystyna> i dont care how much u pay...your lil prick
aint welcome in any of my orifices
(creamix
was the leader of milk, the main competition for function,
one of the
greatest ansi groups EVER)
<Creamix> dEW mE aN aNSI!
<warpus> Creamix: try that in #ansi
<Creamix> No
<Creamix> They are all assholes
<warpus> so are we
(that
was such a boring class)
<warpus> skittleZ: one time when my algebra teacher
mentioned the cartesian
plane, i turned to my friend and asked him: "isn't
that when they cut
open a chick's stomach to take the baby out?"
(i USED
to watch a lot of disney movies, when i was younger.)
<skittleZ> pina colada!
<skittleZ> :)
<warpus> isn't that from lion king?
<skittleZ> what....pina colada?
<warpus> yeah.
<warpus> isn't that from one of the songs?
<skittleZ> no.....hakuna matata!!!
<warpus> oh :)
<warpus> whoops.
(i guess
he's new. i should have helped him out instead, but what
the hell,
it's christmas. I deserve a break.)
<CyberLock> How do you get an @ in front of your nick?
<warpus> you have to fill out this form.
(this
is from the channel #dancing, i think. Maybe #dance.)
<warpus> hello dancer. you up for some cyberdancing?
<_dancer> are you f
<warpus> dancer: no, i am not f. i am not a letter,
or any
other character. you may call me warpus.
(me
and blobie created the channel #wallpaper and invited random
people to
join.)
<warpus> roadwheel: have you checked out the historic
homes of
america volume IV collection?
<Roadwheel> I was not aware it existed
<warpus> roadwheel: yes, the wallpaper scene is one
of the fastest growing scenes on the planet.
<warpus> never heard of it?
<blobie> soon every street will be wallpapered
<Roadwheel> actually, no
<blobie> i like to use the textured glue on my personal
paper.
<warpus> roadwheel: i've got the latest "gentle
men's quarters" in front of me right now. it's a beuty.
they do screen printed wallcoverings and borders with companion
fabrics.
<blobie> but i recommend soft glue for beginners
<blobie> i use pot glue for my own needs
<warpus> blobie: definiately. say, have you checked
out those DP92201 navajo wallcoverings? they're new and
they're hot.
<Roadwheel> my decor is currently collegiate slob,
so there are very few wall papers that are compatible
<blobie> i personally like the dp28841's the most
but the dp92201's are good
<warpus> roadwheel: if you want i can provide you
with several numbers you can call to obtain free wallpaper
samples.
<warpus> blobie: did you know that single rolls are
not refundable? what a ripoff.
<blobie> roadwheel try the 250 nr-40 navajo, they
are compatible with almost anything, arn't they warpus.
<warpus> also, returns are subject to a 20% handling
charge.
<blobie> warpus, that is why i by the double rolls
<Roadwheel> thank you, I will consider it
<warpus> yes, yes they are. they're compatible with
almost anything on the market.
<blobie> one time when i was wallpapering a friends,
i bought 20 double rolls, and they only charged me for 15.
<warpus> roadwheel: 800-361-9876.. 800-363-3461..
those are for omniyale inc decorative products / gentle
mens' quarters. one of the best wallapper designing companies
in the world as of today.
<Roadwheel> good night, I think I will continue to
roam, thank you for the numbers
<warpus> blobie: that's quite a deal. did you get
coupons?
(like,
what the fuck)
<eduardo_> i'm from costa rica
<eduardo_> have u ever have sex?
<warpus> i have sex everyday. at work, at school,
at church, even in bathrooms
<eduardo_> how old were u on first time?
<warpus> hmm. i don't remember very well. i think
it was october.
<eduardo_> what is your fav position?
<warpus> i like to do it on a frying pan.
<eduardo_> do u like anal?
<warpus> only if it's done on a frying pan. you into
frying pans?
<eduardo_> yes
<eduardo_> do u like masturbation?
<warpus> i masturbate every day, but only if i get
to do it with a
frying pan.
<eduardo_> do u have a personal pic?
<warpus> no, i don't have a scanner. do you? with
a frying pan
maybe?
<eduardo_> nope
<eduardo_> where r u?
<eduardo_> at home?
<warpus> at home. having fun with my collection of
assorted frying pans.
<eduardo_> where do u like to have sex?
<warpus> anywhere i can, as long as there are frying
pans i can caress there.
<eduardo_> where have u been fucked?
<eduardo_> interesting places?
<warpus> on a realy big frying pan once in a museum
in france.
<eduardo_> where do u like to masturbate?
<warpus> what's with all these questions? tell *me*
something for a change.
<eduardo_> describe u
<warpus> do you know how a frying pan looks like?
<eduardo_> nope
<eduardo_> send me a pic
<warpus> well, i look like a frying pan.
<warpus> i don't have a pic of myself. get somebody
to tell you what
a frying pan looks like.
<eduardo_> ok
<warpus> i would love having sex with you and your
frying pan
<eduardo_> my dick is hard and long
<eduardo_> nowwwwwwwwwwww
<eduardo_> do u want to suck it
<warpus> i want to deep fry it, baby
<eduardo_> mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
<eduardo_> let me suck your pussssssssssssy
<eduardo_> i'm wet
<warpus> ohh baby. suck my frying pan. ohh yess!
<eduardo_> mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
<warpus> how big is your frying pan?
<eduardo_> 6 and 2 wide, why?
<warpus> i like to suck frying pans. they are sooo
good.
<eduardo_> bye
<warpus> but where are you going my costa rican friend?
(ok,
so i DID go into #teensex using a very suggestive female-looking
vagina-
like handle. I was bored and needed something fun to do.)
<the_MAN> what u wearing?
<warpus> i'm wearing full swim gear
<the_MAN> tell me what you like to do??
<warpus> i'd like you to suck on my snorkel
<the_MAN> ok
<the_MAN> what else
<the_MAN> what would you do to me if i was there with
you alone
<the_MAN> if you dont wanna go cyber just tell me
and ill leave
<warpus> hey, want to go cyberswimming?
<the_MAN> how
* warpus passes some fishes.
<warpus> do it! it's fun!
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