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You're looking at the last static copy (1999) of Acheron.org, more recent but partial copies exist in the wayback machine. This site is online out of nostalgia and because of it's historic content, an up to date ANSI/ASCII art archive is available from 16colo.rs

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Warpzine #009
by warpus (1st February, 1999)

( waterloo, ontario, canada ) ( september 45th, 1998 ) ( warpzine#009 )

[ introduction ] -------------------------------------------------------

WELL, this is what you've all been waiting for. it's the SPECIAL
anniversary issue of warpzine - warpzine number nine. why is it so
special? well.. i consider the number nine to be a much more IMPORTANT
number than the number ten. sure, we have ten fingers, we have ten toes,
there are ten dollars in a ten dollar bill, and we use a number system with
ten digits, but... have you ever thought about how special the number 9
really is? 9 upside down is 6. six is NOT a prime number. if that doesn't
convince you, consider this: 9 is BIGGER than 4. is that REALLY a
concidence?

i think not.

and since this is the "introduction", i'd like to introduce myself.
i am warpus, i was born in wroclaw, poland, i like to eat horror movies
(in the park), and i really hate mexico. why? because it's a third world
country.

oh yeah, i almost forgot. i was GOING TO dedicate this issue of
warpzine to doug aka make, but... i don't really like him that much
anymore. i used to be all crazy about him, but you now how it is. he's
just not as cool as he used to be. However, i DID tell him that i'm going to
dedicate this warpzine to him, so i'm going to make a compromise.
i'm dedicating this issue of warpzine, the very special issue number nine
to the lower half of make's body. this includes anything below the belt.
so, there you go make, i hope the lower part of your body is proud :)

anyhow, enjoy this SPECIAL anniversary issue of warpzine, and
don't forget to rewind when you're done.

top of page

[ the bus trip ] ---------------------------------------------------------

every time i'm on the bus something weird happens. you're all
probably wondering why i would ever take the bus, but well, i have a job.
i must take the bus to work, and then home. otherwise i'd have to walk, or
take the cab. it's way too far to walk, and cabs are expensive. i COULD
hitchhike to work, but that'd be silly. i mean, come on.

yesterday, when i was on my way home (from work), thinking about
why i've never seen any fire hydrant depot stores ANYWHERE, i noticed that
somebody was boarding the bus. this happens a lot, i know, but for some
reason i was drawn towards this person the minute the bus stopped. perhaps
i should rephrase that. i was drawn towards this person instantly. i do
not want you to think that 20, 30, or even 50 seconds passed before this
happened. oh no. it happened right away.

the person boarding the bus was doing two amazingly crazy things
at the same time. he was wearing a 'queen' shirt, and drinking a minute
maid drink. how often do you see a guy wearing a 'queen' shirt just
drinking SOMETHING? not too often. boy, i thought, will i ever have
stories to tell when i get home!

but nothing happened. the "minute maid" guy sat down, proceeded
to drink his juice (which is perfectly normal), and... just sat there.
i was dissapointed. i was expecting him to say something that would
change my life forever, maybe something like: "margarine is better than
butter", or "never sit down on a stove", or even explain why butterflies
have powdery wings, which is a puzzle i'm still trying to solve.

i know that most of you are probably thinking that i made this
story up. i mean, a guy wearing a queen shirt, drinking a minute maid
drink, on the *BUS*? i don't know what the chances of something like
that happening are, and i don't really want to figure it out, but...
i bet i was incredibly lucky to witness this event in only the 20th
year of my life. in any case, remember this: the guy who wears
a queen shirt and drinks a minute maid juice IS out there somewhere,
doing whatever it is that people who wear queen shirts and drink
minute maid juices do (i bet he likes squash). if you ever see him,
give him my number, because... i want to give him a back massage.

top of page

[ break number one ] ---------------------------------------------------


since warpzine is being read by more and more americans, i've decided
to appeal to that contingent of the readers by introducing a break, and a
short commentary after every article. you don't have to read this part
of warpzine, you can skip it. think of it as a commercial break on tv. you
can go to the kitchen, grab a snack, a beer or two, or even go to the bathroom
and take a really big shit. when you come back, just start reading the next
article, or, if you weren't gone for too long, read the second half of the
intermisson commentary. and here it is, the first commentary:

well, the first article went over well, i've really enjoyed writing
it and reading it over. i had trouble finishing it off, and it really isn't
what you would call a classic, but, it is an article nevertheless, and hey,
i *am* sober. plus, it is a true story, and that's very important nowadays.
i heard that true stories turn on the ladies. <wink>

top of page

[ us open: too hot for tv ] -----------------------------------------------

many things happened at the us open tennis tournament, some of which
were censored out. now you can see the things that the censors DIDN'T want
you to see. have you ever wanted to see patrick rafter making out with one
of the ballboys? if you order NOW you will see that, and much much more,
including: partrick rafter with TWO ballboys, martina hingis having her first
period in the middle of the court, patrick rafter with THREE ballboys, pete
sampra's vagina, and monica seles masturbating with a tennis racket.

don't delay, order today! if you're one of the first 500 callers, you
will also receive a video tape full of shots of patrick rafter making out with
ballboys.

but don't take our word for it! let's hear what some of our satisfied
customers had to say about 'us open: too hot for tv'.

"wow, i had no idea that pete sampras had a vagina! i was pretty sure
that he had a penis. us open: too hot for tv changed my life!".

"i've been a fan of tennis for 20 years now, and i've never seen
anything like this before! it's definiately something to watch with the whole
family. thank you warpus!"

"incredible!"

"i couldn't stop laughing after i saw steffi graf throw her racket at
that little boy's head".

call now, you'll thank us later! if you order in the next half an hour
you will also receive a book by martina hingis entitled: "how to deal with your
first period", and a box of tampons. operators are standing by.

top of page

[ break number two ] ----------------------------------------------------

you should know that i'm writing all of this listening to some really
good ska. i've never written a warpzine while listening to any kind of music.
i used to not be able to concentrate fully on the task at hand because when i
listen to music, i usually try to get into it. i have no problems with this
anymore. i can conciously listen to the lyrics, and write at the same time.

wait a second, that wasn't funny. sorry about that!

top of page

[ shaving = illegal? ] ------------------------------------------------------

imagine an alternate world in which shaving was illegal. what would
it be like? how would it be different from the world we live in?

if you are curious about what an alternate world in which shaving was
illegal would be like, read on.

so, you've decided to find out more about what an alternate world in
which shaving was illegal would be like. good for you. finding out about
what an alternate world in which shaving was illegal would be like is one of
the fastest growing past times in the world today! in fact, books which
speculate about what an alternate world in which shaving was illegal would be
like have sold millions of copies all around the world, and have been
translated into millions of languages. new languages have been invented
just so that books which speculate about what an alternate world in which
shaving was illegal would be like could be translated into them. scientists
have proved that books speculating what it would be like to live in a world
in which shaving was legal have been written in alternate worlds in which
shaving IS illegal. these books have also sold millions of copies.

let's get to the point here. what WOULD it be like in a world in
which shaving was illegal? to answer that question for us tonight, we have
with us one of russia's greatest philosophers, dr. ron sonovavitch.

<applause>

warpus: "welcome to the show, dr. sonovavitch".
ron: "it's great to be here".
warpus: "i'm sure it is. now, let me ask you this: what would it be like
in a world in which shaving was illegal?"
ron: "that is a very interesting question, and it has a very interesting
answer. we've been working on this problem for many years, and we
have discovered that there would be several differences between such
a world and our own. first of all, most men, and some women would have
beards. also, companies such as 'gillette' would not exist. and
finally, we believe that women would have hairy legs, but we're still
not too sure about that".
warpus: "interesting".
ron: "indeed it is".
warpus: "well, thank you for coming on the show doctor. good luck with
whatever it is that you do".

that was dr. sonofavitch, speaking to us from the university of
moscow, department of applied shaving, russia.

top of page


[ break number three ] ------------------------------------------------


ok, i'm tired of these breaks already. fuck the americans.
(and the mexicans)

top of page

[ contest? ] ----------------------------------------------------------------


remember that contest in which you had to guess whether things about
me were true or false? well, i've FINALLY picked the winners. before i
announce them, i'd like to thank EVERYONE who participated.

uhh, thanks.

after looking over the submissions, and adding up the points, i
realized that there were two winners. why? because they had the same
number of points. so... yeah. that's how THAT happened.

and here is the list (in random order) of people who won:

snug and mafesto. congratulations!

you've both won a year's supply of vowels. every year you will
get a letter in the mail.

err. ok, so i was just kidding. i'm not sure what you've won yet. i
guess you can pick something. you come up with something reasonable, and i'll
try to make it happen.

sorry about all these paragraphs.

oh yeah, i almost forgot, this issue's contest. what do these
numbers have in common: 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 12, 14, 18, 21? hint: there are
two hints in this paragraph. go nuts.

bonus: what are the two hints?

extra hint just in case you are stuck: there is another hint in
the header. the 8th line.

top of page

[ warpzine NEWS ] ----------------------------------------------------------


hi, and welcome to the 9 o'clock warpzine news, brought to you by the theory of
relativity. The theory of relativity - moving at the speed of light.


MAN MAKES LOVE TO A WOMAN

A man in Austin, Texas made love to a female of the human species. "I don't
know how it happened", says the 24 year old student. "We started fooling
around, and it just sort of... happened". Scientists say that making love to a
woman, or intercourse, as it is called in scientific circles, involves inserting
your penis into the woman's vagina. The student, who asked to remain anonymous,
would not comment on the details of 'insertion', but he did say that it felt
good.

DENTISTS SIGHTED IN RAINFOREST

A primitive tribe of approximately 428 dentists has been discovered in the
Brazilian rainforest. "This is the largest group of dentists ever seen in one
spot. We did not know that so many dentists could be together in one spot.",
says dentistry researcher Mary Kates. The tribe was discovered by Mrs.Kates,
who got lost in the rainforest looking for dentists. They took her in, and
cleaned her teeth, for free. Some of the dentists are being moved to Los
Angeles national zoo due to the lack of teeth in the Brazilian rainforest.
Dentists need teeth to survive. Without them, they would die.

DOG TAKES SHIT

A dog in Slovakia has apparently taken a big dump. Our reporters tell us that
the owner of the dog cleaned up the mess afterwards, using a plastic glove. "It
was warm", he said.


Well, that's it.

top of page

[ quotes ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------


the format of this section is as follows:

First, a description of the comment will appear. It will take up the whole
line, and maybe more. It will be enclosed in brackets ( ( ( ) and ( ) ) ).
The actual lines containing the conversation will be preceeded by the name of
the person doing the talking (typing). Note that if the text (including the
name of the typer) is longer than the width of the screen, then the rest of the
conversation (NOT including the name of the typer) will be written in a
paragraph, with a left indentation of len(name_of_typer) + 3. This paragraph's
top left corner will be (len(name_of_typer)+ 4 ,0), if (0,0) is the top left
corner, which is weird, but what the fuck. If there is a no comment for a
specific quote, then a () will appear in front of it (the quote). Every quote
(when i say quote, i mean the actual quote with the comment (might be empty)
appended to the top it) has a space appended to its end. The entire article has
one space appended to itself as well, at the bottom, and two at the top. This
paragraph has one space appended in front of it.


()
<brandee> umm yeah....nudity rocks!
<warpus> brandee: i like you already.
<brandee> hahaha
<warpus> :)

(similar to: reading a book with a toaster)
<coops> no, i mean the ansi u sent!!! am i looking at it wrong? notepad?

(me and samurai were talking about the american military, and i kept making fun
of it as much as possible, because i'm canadian.)
<samurai_> each branch of the military has a specific mission.
<warpus> to kill people :)

()
<acolyte_> warpus - she looks too good to have a penis
<warpus> acolyte_: so do i

(don't blame me for all these penis quotes. That penis article should have been
enough. Whooops, foreshadowing.)
<DpeBaron> its like fucked up
<DpeBaron> it wont stay in the middle
<DpeBaron> what is wrong?
<burps> db: i got the same problem with my penis

(weird things happen on a boring night)
<warpus> hey, this guy sent me a scanned pic of his foot.
<ttb> really?
<warpus> yeah.
<ttb> is it clean?
<warpus> want it?
<ttb> yes
<warpus> i forget if it's clean.
<warpus> but he's from australia.
<ttb> doodleboy sent me a pic?
<warpus> that's his foot.
<ttb> nice..
<ttb> thats clean
<warpus> hey, we're releasing his foot in the function pack.
<warpus> and we're writing an infofile for it.
<ttb> excellent
<ttb> he deserves that kind of recognition
<ttb> i really like that foot
<warpus> me too.
<warpus> i saw it first!
<ttb> i will give you that
<ttb> but i think i enjoyed it more
<warpus> i don't think i want to get into that aspect of the experience.

(i have no idea where this came from, but it was one of the quotes i kept from a
long time ago, so... i GUESS i made her say that, whoever she is... somehow :)
<Krystyna> i dont care how much u pay...your lil prick aint welcome in any of my orifices

(creamix was the leader of milk, the main competition for function, one of the
greatest ansi groups EVER)
<Creamix> dEW mE aN aNSI!
<warpus> Creamix: try that in #ansi
<Creamix> No
<Creamix> They are all assholes
<warpus> so are we

(that was such a boring class)
<warpus> skittleZ: one time when my algebra teacher mentioned the cartesian
plane, i turned to my friend and asked him: "isn't that when they cut
open a chick's stomach to take the baby out?"

(i USED to watch a lot of disney movies, when i was younger.)
<skittleZ> pina colada!
<skittleZ> :)
<warpus> isn't that from lion king?
<skittleZ> what....pina colada?
<warpus> yeah.
<warpus> isn't that from one of the songs?
<skittleZ> no.....hakuna matata!!!
<warpus> oh :)
<warpus> whoops.

(i guess he's new. i should have helped him out instead, but what the hell,
it's christmas. I deserve a break.)
<CyberLock> How do you get an @ in front of your nick?
<warpus> you have to fill out this form.

(this is from the channel #dancing, i think. Maybe #dance.)
<warpus> hello dancer. you up for some cyberdancing?
<_dancer> are you f
<warpus> dancer: no, i am not f. i am not a letter, or any
other character. you may call me warpus.

(me and blobie created the channel #wallpaper and invited random people to
join.)
<warpus> roadwheel: have you checked out the historic homes of
america volume IV collection?
<Roadwheel> I was not aware it existed
<warpus> roadwheel: yes, the wallpaper scene is one of the fastest growing scenes on the planet.
<warpus> never heard of it?
<blobie> soon every street will be wallpapered
<Roadwheel> actually, no
<blobie> i like to use the textured glue on my personal paper.
<warpus> roadwheel: i've got the latest "gentle men's quarters" in front of me right now. it's a beuty. they do screen printed wallcoverings and borders with companion fabrics.
<blobie> but i recommend soft glue for beginners
<blobie> i use pot glue for my own needs
<warpus> blobie: definiately. say, have you checked out those DP92201 navajo wallcoverings? they're new and they're hot.
<Roadwheel> my decor is currently collegiate slob, so there are very few wall papers that are compatible
<blobie> i personally like the dp28841's the most but the dp92201's are good
<warpus> roadwheel: if you want i can provide you with several numbers you can call to obtain free wallpaper samples.
<warpus> blobie: did you know that single rolls are not refundable? what a ripoff.
<blobie> roadwheel try the 250 nr-40 navajo, they are compatible with almost anything, arn't they warpus.
<warpus> also, returns are subject to a 20% handling charge.
<blobie> warpus, that is why i by the double rolls
<Roadwheel> thank you, I will consider it
<warpus> yes, yes they are. they're compatible with almost anything on the market.
<blobie> one time when i was wallpapering a friends, i bought 20 double rolls, and they only charged me for 15.
<warpus> roadwheel: 800-361-9876.. 800-363-3461.. those are for omniyale inc decorative products / gentle mens' quarters. one of the best wallapper designing companies in the world as of today.
<Roadwheel> good night, I think I will continue to roam, thank you for the numbers
<warpus> blobie: that's quite a deal. did you get coupons?

(like, what the fuck)
<eduardo_> i'm from costa rica
<eduardo_> have u ever have sex?
<warpus> i have sex everyday. at work, at school, at church, even in bathrooms
<eduardo_> how old were u on first time?
<warpus> hmm. i don't remember very well. i think it was october.
<eduardo_> what is your fav position?
<warpus> i like to do it on a frying pan.
<eduardo_> do u like anal?
<warpus> only if it's done on a frying pan. you into frying pans?
<eduardo_> yes
<eduardo_> do u like masturbation?
<warpus> i masturbate every day, but only if i get to do it with a
frying pan.
<eduardo_> do u have a personal pic?
<warpus> no, i don't have a scanner. do you? with a frying pan
maybe?
<eduardo_> nope
<eduardo_> where r u?
<eduardo_> at home?
<warpus> at home. having fun with my collection of assorted frying pans.
<eduardo_> where do u like to have sex?
<warpus> anywhere i can, as long as there are frying pans i can caress there.
<eduardo_> where have u been fucked?
<eduardo_> interesting places?
<warpus> on a realy big frying pan once in a museum in france.
<eduardo_> where do u like to masturbate?
<warpus> what's with all these questions? tell *me* something for a change.
<eduardo_> describe u
<warpus> do you know how a frying pan looks like?
<eduardo_> nope
<eduardo_> send me a pic
<warpus> well, i look like a frying pan.
<warpus> i don't have a pic of myself. get somebody to tell you what
a frying pan looks like.
<eduardo_> ok
<warpus> i would love having sex with you and your frying pan
<eduardo_> my dick is hard and long
<eduardo_> nowwwwwwwwwwww
<eduardo_> do u want to suck it
<warpus> i want to deep fry it, baby
<eduardo_> mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
<eduardo_> let me suck your pussssssssssssy
<eduardo_> i'm wet
<warpus> ohh baby. suck my frying pan. ohh yess!
<eduardo_> mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
<warpus> how big is your frying pan?
<eduardo_> 6 and 2 wide, why?
<warpus> i like to suck frying pans. they are sooo good.
<eduardo_> bye
<warpus> but where are you going my costa rican friend?

(ok, so i DID go into #teensex using a very suggestive female-looking vagina-
like handle. I was bored and needed something fun to do.)
<the_MAN> what u wearing?
<warpus> i'm wearing full swim gear
<the_MAN> tell me what you like to do??
<warpus> i'd like you to suck on my snorkel
<the_MAN> ok
<the_MAN> what else
<the_MAN> what would you do to me if i was there with you alone
<the_MAN> if you dont wanna go cyber just tell me and ill leave
<warpus> hey, want to go cyberswimming?
<the_MAN> how
* warpus passes some fishes.
<warpus> do it! it's fun!

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