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Miscellaneous
artilces from Tyrone Issue #3
How
did the Wu-Trank! Clan own you?
by Fahrenheit / Remorse / Katharsis / EL8 / Koredump / Wu-Trank!
By
now you have all heard of the most phearocious clan known
throughout the darkest corners of IRC. The Wu-Trank! clan.
Why do we own you? We have been around s0n, we know respect.
We know who to give it to and why. We know everything about
you. We know your name, where you live,
we know how many times you jack off a day looking at our
asciis. What we
don't know is, why we have let you live. Does it sound like
I have a God
complex? Good. I do. We own you, s0n. You have the right
to phear now.
One day, in an IRC channel far, far away. Two loc'ed out
ascii drawers corroborated on the ultimate 1-2 to pull on
the scene. "We will start a new way to monopolize the
scene. A private crew solely built for the idea to bring
together the best oldschool ascii drawers there are into
one unifying clique." The other ninja agreed, that
ninja was Hiro Protagonist. The other ninja, that was me.
We knew exactly who we would honor by asking to join this
most elite tribe. We were on a mission. An IRC mission.
Seek out the best oldschool ascii drawers we knew and get
them in. A quick hop-and-a-leap later we were in #ansi.
We got Enigmatic, Whodini, and Cypherhex up in it with the
quickness. Whodini had to speak his piece though, "This
group is so elite, we must keep it to ourselves, if anyone
finds out about us it might cause discomfort in Trank!.
We must let it marinate for a bit." Whodini was smart.
He knew the sheer eliteness of Wu-Trank! would scare the
rest of the drawers off. We had to be diskreet ninjaz.
Due to a leak in the clan, news quickly got out. People
swarmed to us to try to get in to the inner-circle. We all
told them to lick our nutsax. We were too elite for them.
They were *SCARED*. My bezt lover ewheat was newschool drawer.
I love him so much I bent the rules. He was in. All of a
sudden, ewheat was no longer an ansi drawer, he devoted
his time to monopolizing the ascii scene. Back in the day,
the current #ascii ran #ansi. We had complete control over
all the ansi dewdlers too. And life was good.
Further down the spiral, we got more recruits as they came
back. First Omicron joined, then Ack, and then our good
friend Necromancer. We all still consist of the clan known
as Wu-Trank!. And you know what else? We still own you.
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G0AT Speaks
Hello.
My name is g0at. I've been the #ascii bot for a really long
time now, and over the history of my watching the channel,
I've seen lots of people come and go. First off, I really
don't understand this whole "ascii" concept. What
is it? I mean, people talk about some "group",
and "scene", and "doodle", "remorse",
"odelay", "pics", "fonts",
I mean really, what is all this jargon you strange beings
talk of? I read this skills "mag" once, and all
I saw was a bunch of \ and / and - characters, that's really
weird, and there was some gangster guy screaming about "killuminati"
and "bombfirst". I've even downloaded some of
these "ascii
packs", which I assume is a collection of these "ascii"
things you humans talk of. I tried to view the file in several
ways..
edit rmrs-14.zip
type rmrs-14.zip
I even tried renaming it to a batch file, and running the
batch file, but it made my computer spit out a bunch of
junk, and it went down. That's why I wasn't on #ascii for
a while. Some D0NKEY wannabe motherfucker was sitting in
my channel. Can you BELIEVE that? A poser, trying to be
me, on MY turf. People get shot for that, you know. And
have you seen D0NKEY since then? No. You do the math.
Anyhow, back to this "ascii" stuff. What is odelay?
Isn't that an album by beck? Does that mean beck makes "ascii"
too? I fail to see the connection between this "ascii"
stuff, and music. One thing I could actually look at was
a "colly", although I don't think "colly"
is a synonym for "ascii", when I edited it, it
showed a bunch more of those -, /, _, \ and other characters.
Does that mean "skills
mag" is a colly? Hmm, I'm starting to understand this.
But why isn't it called "skills colly", or "skills
colly magazine".
Well anyways, if one of you people wants to write me and
explain this "ascii" stuff, mail g0at@hazir.tapu.kx.
Next time I'll write some more about my "ascii scene"
trek.
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And now... for that extra piece of stupidty you've all
been wating for...
THE JIZZ AND DITCH SAGA
One
sunny wednesday afternoon this summer, I found myself walking
into an anonymous video rental outlet. Upon entry to the
store, I jammed my hand into my pants pocket to retrieve
car keys. I felt a plastic wrapper, and thought to myself
"I don't recall buying gum." It turns out, in
fact, that this was an empty condom wrapper. I was shocked
and revolted. I promply exited the store, disposed of the
wrapper in question, and continued home, to relay the story
to friends on IRC, wash my hands, and try to formulate theorems
about this miraculous appearance.
It was
late, and only a scant few (english-speaking) residents
were vocal in #ascii. Among them were pimps Messiah, Ack,
and Omicron. I promptly relayed the story, much to everyone's
amazement. Soon enough, Messiah proposed that "damn..
someone just jizzed, and ditched it". It was a unanimous
opinion that a condom capable of easily facilitating post-jizz
disposal was truly a breakthrough.
The
proposed condom prototype was tentatively named "Jizz'N'Ditch".
The rest is legend...
Slogans
and Jizz'N'Ditch(c) SPECIALTY Brand Condoms:
<Acid_Jack>
I want a condom that says "Hey bitch, I got shit to
do", thats why I trust Jizz'N'ditch
<Acid_Jack>
Jizz'N'Ditch gives me the freedom to go places and not worry
about some bitch feeling detached.
<mESSIAH__>
jizz'n'ditch. condom of the 21st century
<mESSIAH__> you don't take it off, it ditches itself
<Kel7har>
you can have you newborn baby get an permanent jizz'n'ditch
condom attached at the low price of 19.95$ (shiping and
surgery not included)
** uhh.. this one might not make it into our projected marketing
scheme.. you crazy Swede.
<Acid_Jack>
Jizz'N'Ditch brand condoms! Try NEW Jizz'N'Ditch Cock Cleaning
variety!
** post-coital cock cleaning. now there's an idea.. no more
jizzy dick sticking to your boxer shorts.
<Kel7har>
we also have a chistian version of the Jizz'N'Ditch called
Jizz with jesus and have crosses and the bible writen on
it.
** main area of distribution: Utah.
<Kel7har>
Jizz'N'Ditch. You have never enjoyed a hooker better.
<Acid_Jack>
for that great-sex feeling withOUT the bitch sleeping in
your bed, try Jizz'N'Ditch!
<mESSIAH__>
Jizz'n'Ditch NARROW (TM) for dicks that aren't that meaty'
<Kel7har>
Jizz'N'Ditch Hardon - For people with problem getting it
up. The condom contains small metal bars and a power-pump
that chokes your dick, disableing blood to get out.
** ouch!
<Acid_Jack>
Do you hate that dirty dick feeling after sex? Does your
bitch seem to fall asleep when it's time to clean cock?
Try our new suction brand Jizz'N'Ditch condoms!
** suction acoutrements now synergistically blended with
the cock-cleaning variety
<Kel7har>
Jizz'N'Ditch powerengine. lay back and let the condom take
care of your local whore.
<dy1>
Jizz'N'Ditch JIZZBAG "For men with a tendency towards
abnormally large ejaculation"
<Acid_Jack>
jizz'n'ditch FEMALE condoms. girl, sometimes you just wanna
cum and leave a brutha with a hard, cold cock
** we have already signed a deal with Tommy Hilfiger to
distribute a J'n'D FEMALE with every Tommy Girl purchase
at major department stores.
<mESSIAH__>
Jizz'N'Ditch Flavors (tm) we come in baloney, sausage, minty
fresh, and for the lesbians, vaginal flavor addon pack
** vaginal addon pack sales skyrocketed last week, with
the revolutionary marketing pitch "Hey, tastes like
vagina!" Retailers in the Arizona region report no
sales.
<mESSIAH__>
Jizz'N'Ditch NOWOMAN (tm) condom. 'hey, who needs a woman
when i've got my jizz'n'ditch
** prototypes were tested for years by blk_jack. fortunately,
his idea for having a washable "claire danes"
tattoo on the inner lining of the condom did not pass by
our R&D boys.
<mESSIAH__>
Jizz'N'Ditch : the only condom that takes advantage of risc(tm)
& mmx(tm) technology, by making it seem like the pussy
is better than it really is
<mESSIAH__>
dy1 ; yeah, but we shouldn't limit the market just to shallow
men
<dy1> messiah - that's true, let's invent a Jizz'N'Ditch
SENSITIVE
<mESSIAH__> Jizz'N'Ditch Sensitive : When you just
HAVE to bring her to orgasm
<Acid_Jack> for men who have places to go, but still
want to give pleasure
<Kel7har>
Jizz'N'Ditch ANIMAL - For the sheep in you.
** obviously, our Swedish market has "special"
needs to be catered to.
YOU CRAZY SWEDE.
<mESSIAH__>
Jizz'N'Ditch SMOKERS EDITION, takes care of that after
jizz nicotine we all crave
<dy1> why not just line the inside of the J'N'D with
Nicoderm patches?
<dy1>
Jizz'N'Ditch MASTURBATION EDITION - When you just don't
want to wipe up your mess with an athletic sock
** once again, tested extensively by blk_jack
<Acid_Jack>
Take it from me, Acid Jack of ACiD/Remorse fame; Jizz'N'Ditch
brand condoms are the best thing you can do to improve your
sex life
** WE
EVEN HAVE CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT.
<mESSIAH__>
Jizz'N'Ditch MILITARY, top secret, this condom uses the
latest in radar dampening technology so she never knows
quite when you went in.
<Acid_Jack>
Do you smell something? Don't worry! New SCENTED Jizz'N'Ditch
masks that stank pussy odor in no time!
** hahahaha, stank
-- Television/Radio
Advertisements ---
<dy1>
Ever felt like something was missing in your sex life? Try
ripping open a Jizz'N'Ditch.. ahh, that's the stuff. Sorry,
i've got to cut this commercial short - You see, i have
some pussy waiting for me."
** we couldn't get Jack Palance for this one, unfortunately.
Our advertising execs settled on Clint Eastwood. The first
cut of the advertisement was banned in 12 European countries.
<mESSIAH__>
with Jizz'N'ditch Jelly, even a crack in the wall feels
nice and warm
<Acid_Jack>
Tired of pillows and those messy jars of spaghetti? Jizz'N'Ditch
now includes a preserved piece of pussy in every box! Just
throw it in the microwave and add Jizz'N'Ditch brand lubricant
and you're good to go!
** a major lawsuit immediately followed this endorsement;
apparently female corpses were being disintered and exhumed
from local cemeteries all over the continental United States
and Canada. Officials are quoted as calling J'n'D Industries
"a pack of necrophiliac ghouls".
The US Supreme Court dismissed the attack on J'n'D due to
lack of evidence.
The only concrete lead the CIA had was a shovel with "mHz"
engraved in the handle. The corpse transporation vehicle,
the "Megga-Hearse", is safely tucked away from
authorities in the J'n'D warehouse.
<Acid_Jack>
Jizz' N'Ditch, when your legs just cant handle that long
walk to the toilet
** who flushes condoms, anyhow? just jizz, and ditch.
-------------------------------------
<mESSIAH__>
Jizz'N'Ditch NEGRO, for those meat packin black boys, this
condom stretches up to 2 square miles
<mESSIAH__>
Jizz'N'Ditch NUTSAQ PROTECTION (tm) for when its hot'n'heavy,
and your balls are slapping agains that pussy, NUTSAQ Protection
will give your nuts a steel and lead coating, (lead incase
of pending nuclear strike) just to be safe
** OUR
COMPETITORS BOW DOWN:
<dy1>
Trojan CEO John Corian is quoted as saying "When our
stock began to plummet, I realized our production team had
drastically underestimated the ability of a jizzed-in condom
to be thrown away casually." End quote.
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